HOW TO HELP CHILDREN MANAGE THEIR ANGER

 

      Very often children feel angry or frustrated and they do not know how to control those feelings. Sometimes, they do not even know how to describe how they feel and why. Because of that, they can react in an unexpected or explosive way, what in turn, might cause problems in their interactions with other children or adults in the school or at home.

       Parents and teachers can guide children to develop cope skills that help them identify their feelings and have more control over their emotions and reactions when facing adversities. But how we can help them?

HELP YOUR CHILD NAME THEIR FEELINGS

When we are feeling intense emotions, we feel confused about what we are feeling, and we cannot describe it. Therefore, we perceive that we cannot control them. On the contrary, when we know the cause of our emotions and we can explain how we are feeling, we perceive that we can manage our emotions better. In other words, we perceive that we are in control.       Thus, we can help our children or students manage their emotions by asking: -       How do you feel right now? Help him answer this question by giving some examples of vocabulary that he can use, such as, frustrated, upset, mad, worried, anxious, etc. -       In what part of your body are you feeling that? Ask him to close his eyes and to pay attention to his body. Ask if he feels something in his stomach, or throat, or forehead, or maybe his heart is beating fast… -       What do you think that is the cause of that feeling? Help him identify what happened just before he was feeling that way, to identify what triggered those emotions.

 

USE BREATHING AND CALMING TECHINIQUES

-                    Ask your child or student to place one hand on his belly and the other one in the part of the body where he is feeling the emotions.         -        Find one breathing or calming technique that your child or student likes. For example, breath and count in increasing and decreasing order, visualization, using music, mindfulness techniques, etc.         -        Show your child or student how to use the technique and practice it with him. Model how to do it.         -        Explain your child or student that every time he feels discomfort in that part of his body, he can practice the breathing and calming technique you both just practiced.

 

FIND THE TRIGGERS

-                Identify what triggers those emotions in your child or student. For example, difficulty sharing, loud noises, transitions between activities, he is hungry or tired, etc..         -        Identify what time of the day he feels that way: morning, afternoon, evening, night.

 

FIND THE THINGS YOUR CHILD OR STUDENT LIKES

-        Identify what things your child or student enjoys or finds relaxing. You can ask him what he does to feel better, to get relaxed or to calm down.         -        If he does not know what can get him relaxed or clam, help him find an activity that it is good for him.         -        Explain your child or student that he can do that activity that he likes, when he feels that specific way. For example: ·       If you feel mad, go and play with your ball for some minutes. ·       If you feel anxious, listen to the music that you like for some minutes. ·     If you need to yell, go to another place and breath while counting from 1 to 3 and from 3 to 1, during some minutes.         -        Present these activities as alternative behaviors to prevent the undesired behavior from occurring or increasing.

 

BE PRESENT AND EMPATHIC

-        When your child or student feels angry, upset or frustrated, do not judge him.         -        Instead, listen to him with mindfulness. In other words, stop all what you are doing and put your 5 senses on him.         -        Use active listening: ·       Make eye contact. ·       Lean forward. ·       Nod. ·       Paraphrase to show understanding. ·       Show concern. ·      Use expressions such as: “I see”, “I know”, “It must be difficult for you” or “I understand”. ·       Provide feedback.         -        Be empathic. Do not make your child or student feel ashamed or guilty for feeling that way. Explain that is is normal to feel those emotions. Some examples to show empathy naturally are: ·       Show that you care about your child or student by asking questions about what is making him feel that way. ·       Put aside your judgements or bias. ·       Repeat aloud what you understood to show understanding. ·      Share how you would feel or how you felt in a similar situation in the past. If you share your experience, do not talk for long time. Your child or student must perceive that the conversation is about him, not about you. ·       Be encouraging and supportive. ·      Make him feel that he is important for you and that he will have your help.         -        -   Do not try to solve the problem nor to tell him how you solved a similar problem when you were his age. Instead, help him find his way to solve the problem.         -      -  Tell him how proud of him you are for asking for help when he needs to overcome his difficulties.

 

FIND PROFESSIONAL HELP IF NEEDED

-        Sometimes, the cause of your child or student’s stress or anger requires the help of professionals. For example, he is struggling in math, he is depressed, or he has high levels of anxiety, among other examples. In these cases, you will need a math tutor for extra-curricular classes, a counselor, or another professional depending on the problem’s nature.         -        Talk to your child or student about it and explain to him why it is necessary to ask for help to another person.         -        Have him collaborate with you to find that professional so he can perceive that he is taking control of his problem, and to make sure that he feels comfortable with that person.